The Truth About BDSM Relationships
Both as a lifestyle choice and as a sexual preference, BDSM encompasses three major kinks — bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Given their nature, they’re often stigmatized and perceived as abuse.
However, nothing can be further from the truth. Even though such behavior seems reckless to an average spectator, members of the BDSM community are completely aware (and accepting) of their responsibilities. Whichever kink they’re into, they follow the rules that are in the core of the concept of BDSM.
It’s About Trust
The exchange of power dynamics of a BDSM relationship implies dominant and submissive partners. Therefore, instead of assuming equal roles, partners complement each other either in their everyday life or during sex.
Since the submissive person in a relationship chooses to relinquish control, their partner has to prove they are a worthy Dom. However exciting BDSM play may seem, it’s not easy to entrust another person with your safety. That’s why you need to get to know them before you make that step.
Nevertheless, the Dom isn’t the only one who has to prove to be trustworthy. Their sexual behavior can lead to a sudden loss of trust after a scene, which is why they have to trust their sub not to judge them.
Finally, BDSM practitioners themselves describe their relationships as loving, caring, and above all trusting, despite the stigma surrounding them.
It’s Another Way to Play
Even though vanilla sex can also be fun and intense, some people simply find it unfulfilling. While looking into ways to spice up their sex life, they may wander into the kink world. However, to feel “at home” in it, they must embrace the responsibilities that go hand in hand with BDSM activities.
If you’re among such people, you’ll find BDSM quite liberating. It’ll allow you to unshackle yourself from inhibitions, recognize your sexual affinities, and express your inner kinkster.
Alternately, you’ll view it as a real smorgasbord of possibilities. Even if it’s not a suitable lifestyle choice for you, BDSM can give you the space to experiment with different sensations. You don’t have to be a full-time kinkster to enjoy it — role-play is exciting either way.
It’s Not an Abusive Relationship
Many people confuse BDSM relationships with domestic violence and doms with abusers. Such an attitude is why many feel down after scenes. In fact, it can cause them to feel insecure, ashamed, and even guilty for their sexual preferences.
The truth is, a BDSM relationship has nothing in common with abuse. Abusers purposefully hurt their victims, who by no means enjoy such treatment. Submissives, on the other hand, willingly engage in BDSM play. They do it not to please their partner, but to satisfy their own needs.
Every BDSM scene has to be safe, sane, and consensual. That’s not just a phrase — the entire concept and the whole community rest on the SSC principle. It’s precisely that principle (the golden rule, if you will) that distinguishes BDSM from abuse.
BDSM Relationships Are Well Planned
The ability to trust each other isn’t the only reason you should get to know one another before engaging in BDSM play. You also need to plan it — unlike vanilla relationships, BDSM ones can’t be spontaneous. Given the nature of your affinities, spontaneity is the luxury you can’t afford.
Honest communication is the key to a healthy BDSM relationship. Since it can imply a wide range of different kinks, you have to talk to each other and express your desires and fears. Both of you need to set your boundaries and respect each other’s wishes.
Once you’ve decided how intense you want your relationship to be, that’s when the topics of sex toys and safe words arise. The latter is especially important because the safe word represents the cherry on the top of your agreement. It should be something memorable yet nonsexual.
Subs Are in Charge
Contrary to popular belief, the submissive partner is the one who’s in charge. Even though it may seem otherwise, they’re the ones who dictate the terms of the relationship. The submissive person determines the intensity, decides which sex toys can be used, and ultimately ends a scene if they find it uncomfortable. In fact, they can say their safe word even if they’ve previously agreed to a certain sexual activity.
The dominant partner has to respect their sub’s wishes and boundaries. If they hear the safe word during sex, they’re obliged to stop immediately.
Aside from the SSC principle, the fact that subs are in charge proves that a BDSM relationship isn’t an abusive one. An abused person can’t stop their abuser from hurting them, whereas a sub can set their own rules and thus control their Dom’s actions.
BDSM Relationships Require Negotiation
As we’ve already established, Doms don’t call the shots. In fact, if you were to ask who did, the answer would be — subs. However, the fact that they’re in charge of the relationship doesn’t mean that Doms have no say in the matter.
Both partners engage in a BDSM relationship to express their desires and live out their fantasies. That’s why they must communicate openly and meet each other halfway. Neither one of them may be able to have their way, but if they’re willing to compromise, they might create a successful relationship.
If you’ve read (or seen) “Fifty Shades of Grey,” you know that a BDSM couple can have a contract to decide on the terms of their relationship. Nevertheless, you don’t have to be so official with each other — if you trust each other, a verbal agreement will be enough.
Closing Thoughts
BDSM couples aren’t freak show performers, so you shouldn’t perceive them as such. They’re loving people who care for one another, despite their unconventional preferences. Since they respect each other’s wishes and boundaries, you should respect their choices and privacy.